After about a 5 minute heated debate of what word my Italian therapist Luciano thought he was pronouncing correctly in English, we finally arrived at the word.
It always surprises me when an Italian corrects my pronunciation of an ENGLISH word. Since they use so many of our words, they have come to believe they know how to pronounce it better than us and that we have it all wrong.
We stepped over to the "spell it in Italian" and it didn't work. Then the "spell it in English" and there was no improvement either in identifying the word. Finally I handed him my computer and said JUST TYPE IT PLEASE or put me out of my misery!
Well, the word was IMPRINTING in the psychological sense.... o.k. what the hell does that means....
He was trying to tell me that any negative voices or self critical phrases I say to myself quietly are not really my words and feelings but the voices that were imprinted there from my severe childhood abuse.
"Imprinting is the term used in psychology and ethology to describe any kind of phase-sensitive learning (learning occurring at a particular age or a particular life stage) that is rapid and apparently independent of the consequences of behavior. It was first used to describe situations in which an animal or person learns the characteristics of some stimulus, which is therefore said to be "imprinted" onto the subject. Imprinting is hypothesized to have a critical period."
So even though my life has finally begun to stabilize this new year from a 4 plus year medical crisis, the negative voices of my youth seem to be squeezing in.
My goal over these next few weeks is to catch those voices and do something. Actually I have forgotten what I am supposed to do. I guess I have to wait a week to ask and relearn my instructions. I think for now, I need to isolate the negative judgement that comes in and ask, is this me and my feelings or is this the abusive voice from my childhood via my parents.
I do remember when an ex boyfriend's mother (Audrey) wanted me to imprint her new colt, MIDNIGHT. She had me visit frequently, sit and lye with her to establish a bond. Then over those 1st 6 months with MIDNIGHT I was to rub her ears and snout to let MIDNIGHT get used to being caressed. Audrey said she will grow up being a calmer horse and will look for affection from people.
I guess it worked as some time later MIDNIGHT would follow me around the pen and then one time bit me on my ass cheek leaving teeth marks bruises so as to get my attention to not walk away from her. So I guess it worked.
Unfortunately my mother's technique to imprint us (5 daughters) was to make us believe the abuse was all normal.
She needed for me to enmesh with her and used art, art and more art as our way to bond. It was all she had to give as she allowed our father to mental, emotionally, and physically abuse us.
Isn't it interesting that ART was the main thing in addition to my girls that helped me get through my post stroke nervous breakdowns and suicidal period....?
Art for me is my life and my future and my recovery and my stability!
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