tattoos, CPTSD & disorder of extreme stress not other wise specified

first tattoo NAM MYO HO RENGE KYO on my wrist

2nd tattoo my Edwards heart ring and a destroyed heart self image

tiger in Tibetan -I needed to be reminded I am a tiger and I will recover

I believe it was around Mother's day 2007 when the last woven fibers in my emotional being became unraveled...

I had mentally disturbing images that would not let me be in touch with my feelings and felt out of touch with reality. I had always hated tattoos and was often mad at my oldest daughter for getting them. 

It was a moment in my life where the art needed to come out but could not be released. So the image in my head for what I wanted to express started being designed.

I finally decided I was ready. The over whelming desire to cut myself to try to feel some sense of being grounded was over whelming and I knew why thoughts were not sane, not rational, but overwhelming like it was a must in my life.

I talked with my oldest daughter and she agreed to go with me for my first tattoo. I believe getting a tattoo could release these foreign emotions in a minimally acceptable damaging way.

The first planned tattoo Idea went well. Oddly enough the pain felt good. I was in charge of the pain the needles gave me instead of the vampire at the heart hospital coming in morning noon and night to do blood draws, and IV.

My veins had become hardened and some closed, scarred or collapse from being poked into. Then there would be the re-poking... when the needle got caught in the scar tissue and a new re-poke would be needed.

This first round went well and held me at bay for a while... It felt soothing, secure, a strong sense of being grounded and knowing for a moment I was level.

It didn't take much time before the float would start again... then again a second tattooing phase was started but very calculated. Knowing that this still was not very mentally sable of myself... I designed in my head the image that I thought I could live with. I tweaked it and adjusted it and sat with it till I felt I could live with it. 

Round two was burned into my art at a stronger, larger intensity. Again, the pain felt good and I even felt more decisive that this was the thing to do.

The last phase came in late October 2007 before I fled the USA. I finalized what I thought would be the strongest message but artist value would be retained. I sought out my Tibetan friend to translate both of my daughters names into his native tongue. Then I asked for heart and tiger to be translated.

The second phase of my bleeding heart tattoo with my Edwards heart ring and my favorite paint brush where completed with my two daughters names, heart for love and health and tiger symbol for me to focus on finding my strength.

As the wounds were new and still bleeding, I ran off to KINKOS to photocopy my newest art. I blew them up in color and added then to the MY MODIGLIANI, LAUTREC & VAN GOGH BLUES exhibition.

I tattoos were fresh, the art exhibition was ready, all my hired partners were in place and I fled the USA.

My art opening was to be November 2, 2007. On October 30, 2007 I left the USA to find a hiding place for a while. Three and a half years later, I am still here, Spoleto ITALY..