it's not my fault - a glimpse into the fate of a child

Body memory flashbacks with out understanding what is going on...

A childhood of violence lived through a baby's eyes... mine

Me "Francesca" at the age when my 3 older sisters started passing me out my Shrub Oak N.Y. bedroom window in order for us to the domestic violence within...

I live scanning my environment for unexpected things around me in hopes of reducing the act of surprise.

It’s not my fault I stayed awake at night waiting to hear my mother's voice one more time to know 
she was still alive after dad her hurt

.

It’s not my fault I said my nightly bedtime prayers like every good little Catholic child, Hail 
Mary, Lamb of God and Our Lord’s Prayer except... it always ended with me asking God to kill our father literally before he killed our mother

...

It's not my fault our mother would drag us out of bed in the middle of the night to escape before our father actually tried to killed us. She would drive from location to location hiding her car behind the A&P grocery, Lakeland High School and 
St. Elizabeth Mary's Church parking lots till morning

.

It's not my fault my father would load his rifle at night while he was so drunk he could barely walk and then make me carry the flash light out into the dark with him to shoot wild animals 
attacking our rabbits

.

It's not my fault that dad drove our grey hound bus off the highway with just his car when our mother tried to run away and he tracked us down

.

It's not my fault yet when it happens too young and too much.one’s body will not forget even when we do. 

CPTSD Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman, ©1992 by Basic Books. A history of subjection to totalitarian control over a prolonged period (months to years).  Examples include: Hostages Prisoners of war Concentration-camp survivors Survivors of some religious cults Persons subjected to totalitarian systems in domestic life, including: survivors of domestic battering childhood physical abuse