franky's picks: i am woman

(Helen Reddy and Ray Burton)

I am woman, hear me roar

In numbers too big to ignore

And I know too much to go back an' pretend

'Cause I've heard it all before

And I've been down there on the floor

No one's ever gonna keep me down again

Oh yes, I am wise

But it's wisdom born of pain

Yes, I've paid the price

But look how much I gained

If I have to

I can do anything

I am strong (strong)

I am invincible (invincible)

I am woman

You can bend but never break me

'Cause it only serves to make me

More determined to achieve my final goal

And I come back even stronger

Not a novice any longer

'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

Oh, yes, I am wise

But it's wisdom born of pain

Yes, I've paid the price

But look how much I gained

If I have to

I can face anything

I am strong (strong)

I am invincible (invincible)

I am woman

I am woman watch me grow

See me standing toe to toe

As I spread my lovin' arms across the land

But I'm still an embryo

With a long, long way to go

Until I make my brother understand

Oh, yes, I am wise

But it's wisdom born of pain

Yes, I've paid the price

But look how much I gained

If I have to

I can face anything

I am strong (strong)

I am invincible (invincible)

I am woman

Oh, I am woman

I am invincible

I am strong

I am woman

I am invincible

I am strong

I am woman

franky's picks: how to be sick from a Buddhist view...

An amazing womans honest story of her illness and her fall from GRACE to arrive to in her bed of suffering. She has spent some time rebuilding her life, just like me. She recreating new dreams that leave room for this brutal illness and embraces it instead of fighting it.

I wrote her today to get to know here and for her to get to know me. We share a lot in common. Our paths have crossed but not yet intercepted each other. I will try today.

it's not my fault - a glimpse into the fate of a child

Body memory flashbacks with out understanding what is going on...

A childhood of violence lived through a baby's eyes... mine

Me "Francesca" at the age when my 3 older sisters started passing me out my Shrub Oak N.Y. bedroom window in order for us to the domestic violence within...

I live scanning my environment for unexpected things around me in hopes of reducing the act of surprise.

It’s not my fault I stayed awake at night waiting to hear my mother's voice one more time to know 
she was still alive after dad her hurt

.

It’s not my fault I said my nightly bedtime prayers like every good little Catholic child, Hail 
Mary, Lamb of God and Our Lord’s Prayer except... it always ended with me asking God to kill our father literally before he killed our mother

...

It's not my fault our mother would drag us out of bed in the middle of the night to escape before our father actually tried to killed us. She would drive from location to location hiding her car behind the A&P grocery, Lakeland High School and 
St. Elizabeth Mary's Church parking lots till morning

.

It's not my fault my father would load his rifle at night while he was so drunk he could barely walk and then make me carry the flash light out into the dark with him to shoot wild animals 
attacking our rabbits

.

It's not my fault that dad drove our grey hound bus off the highway with just his car when our mother tried to run away and he tracked us down

.

It's not my fault yet when it happens too young and too much.one’s body will not forget even when we do. 

CPTSD Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman, ©1992 by Basic Books. A history of subjection to totalitarian control over a prolonged period (months to years).  Examples include: Hostages Prisoners of war Concentration-camp survivors Survivors of some religious cults Persons subjected to totalitarian systems in domestic life, including: survivors of domestic battering childhood physical abuse

franky's picks: king of anything... Sara Bareilles... men are men from Colorado to Spoleto to Newcastle Upon Tyne !

Listen here to: KING OF ANYTHING music video is a must to listen to. She it too fabulous!


This song reads my mind. Whether it's the latest Doc in the USA, the latest Doc Italy  or the latest DOC in England... who died and made them my kings... just because they want to sleep with me. I don't think so.....


I get to decide this time in my life! This song says all I want to say to them...


Dedicated to Dr. Love (USA), Dr. Poetry (ITALY) and Dr. Shake It (ENGLAND)...

LYRICS:

Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table

While I look outside

So many things I’d say if only I were able

But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

You’ve got opinions, man

We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked

So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine

And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning

There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?

You are not me

Who made you king of anything?

So you dare tell me who to be?

Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent

Swear you know best

But you expect me to jump up on board with you

And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction

But you’ll never see

You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps

You got the talking down, just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree?

You are not me

Who made you king of anything?

So you dare tell me who to be?

Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy

While I just hurt and hide

Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide

Who cares if you disagree?

You are not me

Who made you king of anything?

So you dare tell me who to be?

Who died and made you king of anything?

Who cares if you disagree?

You are not me

Who made you king of anything?

So you dare tell me who to be?

Who died and made you king of anything?

Let me hold your crown, babe.

pajama party @ francesca's in spoleto

For all of you who are close to me and know me well, you will be happy to hear I got an ungrade on pajamas! 


The days of sexy little thing have been over with since I traded them in for the zebra one of open heart surgery.


Since them 2006, I have been reusing 3 very worn out pajama, the zebra one, the Costco furry aqua marine blue ugly ones and some grey supermarket pj's.


Since the MALE GUESTS have been arriving in droves... I thought I need new pajamas! It is not what you think! They are mystery man and they arrive at all hours so I need to update my pajama look...


There are the Jehovah witness' 2 men trying to convert me that arrive, then the "some one parked their car in front of garage door at 10:30 p.m at night" man, and the "vacuum cleaner" sales man. The men next door that only arrives in his apartment once and a while who is rude and demands I move Nia's bikes. None the less, they are males and they are arriving...


The other mystery men are not coming to mind right now but they arrive. Some how the men have learned that single American aging Barbie doll boob look alike lives in an empty building with no lock on here street gate and no lock on my building door. So right up against my apartment door at all hours, half naked or in ugly pajama's they take turn arriving...


So with that in mind, I bought three new pairs of PJ's plus a light robe!


I further became Italian by buying fancy hangers for them to be hung on after my house cleaner "IRONS" my new pj's.


I will keep you posted to the direction of my secret men....


Last night I slept in the first pair and I loved them....


I can't seem to find the brand of the other PJ's on the internet but they have not been sported around my apartment yet....

a Spoleto VIRGIN... not one SOUL, one FOOTSTEP, one GLIMPSE before the 1st time

Paolo and I in 2006 before the heart crisis! 

Paolo swept us up the airport, whisking Nia and I away. As we were driving, I realized after a while we were leaving Rome...

“Paolo, where are we going? I thought we were staying in Rome?” I asked. "Francesca I am bringing you to your little town", as he thought of Spoleto being a true born and raised Roman.

We arrived at the Hotel Aurora and unpacked. He stayed with us a few days to help get settled down. Paolo and I had a quick chance to get reacquainted after this long separation of 14 months...

I arrived here so deathly sick not knowing a thing. The first quaint apartment I found, I signed a six month lease. My tourist visa was only for 3 months but what did I care...

What did I care? My mind was set on being alive at any moment since my suicidal thoughts were the one consistent and stable thing in my life. I still had not made friends with my heart for betraying me… nit with love but with illness, strokes, VTAC and actual pain. I referred to “this heart”…”the heart”, but not “my heart” as I was still mad at this heart from birth that caused me so many problems.

I had asked the doctors in the USA to put me away and let my sisters take Nia. They insisted I was not crazy. That I felt crazy but I did not display outward any crazy behavior. I begged to differ but since they have the degrees, what did I know…

Nia was 6 and I was scared. I knew I HAD to leave my life in the USA, if there was any chance of surviving. What I was out running I did not know… but I sure found out in the first 6 months in Spoleto.

Within 5 days we had our 1^st apartment and I started my escape from reality. I stocked our little apartment with food and threw all our clothes on the floor. For the next 3 years we lived this way. We would dig through terrible wrinkled clean clothes and throw the dirty one in a different pile. It really was the best I could do.

Paolo, stayed by my side coming up from Rome as the drama with my unconscious started playing out. He saw I had changed. Something was dreadfully different with me… but I was supported and loved the same by Paolo.

We three survived my 1^st six months in Italy as my body against my will forced upon me to enter into submission. I finally through my hands up and said,

“FINE, DESTROY ME IF YOU NEED TOO! But let’s get on with this! I will not fight you anymore. You can make me suffer all you want… I will remember what I do not remember. I will bleed it out every night like a torture sentence being forced to participate in these ongoing horror films where I are the lead actress having to save everyone from dying!”

It was 6 months straight of recovering lost memories where prior years “body memory flash backs” turned into “night terror recall” of all I actually had seen or known of violence. It was 6 months of pure hell of sheer desperation. I made friends with anyone who wanted to be my friend in this little quiet Umbrian village of Spoleto…

wizzy of oz in Italiano from my new sleeper sofa!

I have been dreaming of a sleeper couch that would actually be comfortable for quite a free years now. I fore saw friends arriving, and Megan and Jason especially arriving.  Since I seem to be the only single person I have as a friends... and if they are arriving with their mates.... only the really special people get to bring their mates, then I give them my bed and I take the couch.

I see to much stress in the life of married couple and how they interact. they are not my mates so to have them sleep here as a couple... in general I am not interested. 

I have seen how friends enter me into their fight with their mates.... so in general no thanks.... but as a far as girlfriends.... you are all welcome!

Well, last night we got to use the sleeper couch just a little. Susanna, Nia's best friend spent the night and we all three watched the wizard of oz in Italian. I was able to pull out the quick double bed sleeper drawer and lift it up. In 2 seconds the girls had their feet up and away we went.

The quality of this couch is pretty good and a damn good price for delivery and install.

To my surprise the colors work well too!  Getting to the store without a car was a flaming pain in the ass but doable. I would strongly recommend this store to anyone needing to buy furniture in Italy...